Saturday, August 28, 2010
How I wish tonight will have a heavy rain
Coz I really feel like crying
Hungry Ghost festival only left a few more week
But up to now I still cant get to see my grandparents
I think they might be angry of mi as I break the promises
I promise them that I will not cry but yet I secretly cry at night
I promise them that I will leave happily no matter what
But right now I'm not...Not because due to friends but responsibilities
If there is a chance for mi to escape all the responsibilities
I will...
But I cant...if I escape now....everything will be gone
5yrs ago...because of an accident that I cause...
My family break into smallest pieces...no matter how hard I try to put them together
They still cant went back to the same as before
People always sae that
I'm not the one should bear it...But I don think so
I owed to this family a lot...
So I should be the one fulfill it
Brothers' education...Financial problems...Family situations...parents hope and dreams...
set as a example in term of education...my own dreams and many many more
All these responsibilities are to fulfill when I was alive
Handling all these things really make mi feel tired...
I really hope I can have a super long break
But that is only when I not alive...
Because of these...I choose to be childish and immature
Coz I knw once I leave my childish world...
I can no longer laugh and it does not provide mi with the energy for mi
So I choose to stay a world that will at least provide mi
a little bit of laugh,childhood memory and energy
Honestly specking, Happy go Lucky don not suit my character
And the only thing that really will make mi feel happy as well as forget all the responsibilities
was my cute little nephew,Rooney Boy
He is my first nephew that I will dote a lot in future
Coz I don want him to live like mi...
Everyday keep on worry and unhappy
♥our day is full of surprise
12:08:00 AM
Friday, August 27, 2010
After taking my oral exam
I feel so tired...
I really don knw I will pass tis time round
Coz all my confident are gone
Although big cousin and aunt sae I will pass...I really don have fate in myself
Just received a call from my mum
I soooooo happy that she called mi
Coz usually after I finished my exam she will not call mi
But this time round she will...I'm really feeling very glad
She encourage mi for my exam
And asking mi how izzit....
I told her everything and even sae that I got no confident that I will pass tis time round
She just sae that "do my best can alr"
I really feel warm and touching when I heard tis
Tis feeling is similar when she sae Happy Birthday to mi when I was young
But the problem is
I don want to let her down coz I bing hope to her
And it is my responsibility that I fulfill it
The distance between us is getting nearer and nearer
So I was glad about is
But that does not include that I must go back to my own hus
Coz everything tht I have alr got feeling le
♥our day is full of surprise
12:22:00 AM
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Pls zoom in to see more clearly
Today is my oral exam
HaHa
Went to Marsiling Sec for my oral exam
Haha
Today I be a good gal
Walk to Marsiling Sec on my own
Even my aunt was surprise
When I reached Marsiling Sec
I saw a few flying bats
Really surprise mi
Why there's bats in sch
So when I reached hm
I told tis to my aunt
And she was shock to heard tht
Haha
Finally Oral exam had finished
So still got 4 more papers to go
JiaYou JiaYou JiaYou
♥our day is full of surprise
6:16:00 PM
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Today went down to
Paragon to change my iPhone at the M1 shop
Coz something wrong with the battery and it hang
Hais
Thanks to my bro for dropping my phone
If cannot change I will surly cry de
Haha
DenI when I was about to go hm
Steven called Eve that he is fetching us hm
Thanks Steven
Haha
Jus received information that Steven is opening a new cafe
So after my O level
I can go there work....can save the time to look for a job:)
AT the same time I can help my bian jie fu:)
♥our day is full of surprise
12:13:00 AM
Monday, August 23, 2010
Today is the day I received my result
Score quit well for my paper
But the score was not wait I expect myself to score
Hais...
Told this to my aunt and my mum
They feel happy for mi
Aunt even treat mi to eat Mac for lunch as my present
As for mum...the present tht she going to give mi is my present for my result and hard work
I knw she was worry abt my health
As these few days I keep on have headache continuously
But I'm will be ok as along as I finish all my O level
Feel quite stress recently
So many things happen to mi at the same time....include friends and family
I really hope that I can share it with my friends
Hais
Ytd jus watch a show
and the sentence that attract mi was
let every thing be nature
So that is what I do now
Even though I can score what I expect myself to score
But I'm happy with it
coz the more I want...the more it will take away from mi
And that is not I want
Happy go luck is what I trying to do now
Just like AJ
Even though friends are not with mi now
I still have family to support mi
In order not to let them worry...
All I can do was to hid all my sad feeling from them
It is the best solution that I can find
to keep them happy
Really feeling very helpless
whenever I saw uncle and aunt quar rel each and everyday
Yet I cant do anything to help them
♥our day is full of surprise
6:15:00 PM
Monday, August 16, 2010
Finally is time to get on with my work
Although my mood is still the same
But O Level is more important than everything else
Coz I cant expect myself to fight
the exam war,family war and friendship war at the same time
So I finally made my decision
Instead of fight the friendship war...I will let it be...
Coz I really got no more strength
Actually I find it worth it
Coz god exchange my friendship with the distance between my mum and mi
Although we had been through a lot of things
But in the end decision is up to God
So why not I use the time to study my Os
Now I finally believe in this world
There's no such 2 words called "true friends"
Coz everyone is selfish
The words "True Friends"
is care for each and other...
facing everything together...
and believe each other...
But all these I cant find it between my friends and mi
I not siding myself
I can said I'm selfish and only think of my family
Coz that is part of mi...I cant change it as it is from generation to generation
Who can I blame...
My mum...my aunt or god...
People are saying mi that I only care for myself
But if a situation is between friends and family
How I'm going to choose...
I cant expect myself not to choose my family
As they are the most impt things to mi
But how abt friends...All I can sae is due to fate
Maybe my friends and mi are so called
"you yuan wu feng"
I accept it...
But I cannot accept that they sae I care my self more than anyone else
I try to have a balance between family myself and friends
But in the end I failed
And non of them saw it except my cousins
So now I choose family instead of friends
No matter how had I try...I will still get nothing
Why no I choose my family
They will be 24 hrs by my side
But the only thing is I will not tell them anything as I don want them to worry abt mi
I can said I childish but I also can be mature...
Is just the matter I want to release or not...
But whether to release or not...They will still said that I'm childish
So there no point to release it out
and I'm choose to lock myself in a childish world
As that is the world I enjoy it and reminds of a lot of my childhood memories...
As for now
I will just let it be nature
as friends are come and go whatever they like
♥our day is full of surprise
11:26:00 PM
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Another blog session from mi
Instead of going to Orchard...I went to Marina Bay Sand with my bro
Coz he want to change his YOG card
The place was crowded due to the opening ceremony
But this journey makes mi feel very relax and my mind jus went empty
Izzit due to the walking journey or due to the urge of entering the casino
Every time when my parents were unhappy...they were surely enter the casino
Although they know that they were loss money....but they still enter
Now I finally knw the reason le....
These nights always cant fall into sleep
Keep on recalling back my past 12 yrs
Like every thing was predetermine(zhu ding)
I can honestly said...
Since pri 1 I start to bully people coz I can exchange my mum care
if I caught by teachers...
But I didn't....coz everything is not what I plan
Then I start to steal money
Eventually I caught my parents attention...
They show my care by asking me a lot of questions
I like that feeling...but is only temp...
Aft which I continue to do it...
But these time round is not care
But hate....they hate mi and blame my aunt
They even want to go Girls' home
But my aunt save mi
That is the reason I was close to my aunt
Coz of these...the distance between my mum and mi
is more further...
But I nv give out....eventually god give mi a chance
that is my eye ball...
That is the time I feel a lot of warm and care from her
And even last very long....until sec 2
Secondary 2 period was the worse year that I had
Evey thing was exchange from my precious things
and I even caused my big family break into bit and pieces
And lost 2 of my grandparents at the same time
Is these call bao ying or what?
Since young what I get...was the exchange from my precious things
And all I get was nothing....
To mi...
There is not different between my past and now
God is using my skin and friendship to exchange for my computer and warmth from my parents
AJ was right
If a person want something...
God will give but in exchange with sometThing precious
To me...
My life has alr determine by god
I was jus like a slave....going according what he has plan for mi
If I zhu ding have friendship...I will have it
But if I zhu ding being alone
No matter how hard that I try to fight for...I will end up loss the war...
Coz I kwow that I can fight god with the strength that I have
I write these not because
I want tong qing
Coz I knw there will be no one view my blog
Is because these had been in my heart for more than 10yrs le
And is time to release...
Maybe because AJ and mi grow up together since we are baby
Play and share things together....he was 100% right
For the past 12 yrs...I been putting all these in my heart
Even my friends knw....they only knw a small part of pieces
As what I written there is only 1/4 of it
The rest of it can written it as a book
I think in these world only my grandparents and AJ know my childhood
Coz no matter how hard I try...I will get what I want
and the only way is to 1-1 exchange
To me
My blog was my personal diary
Coz no one will view my blog and is the best way to write all my feeling
Some time I really envy my friends
What they have...is I don have....family warmth
Not coz I never work hard...is I don want to exchange
I cant possible to exchange everything with what I can
as everything is important to mi
But now I finally know
Whether to exchange or not is not my decision
....is God that will decide...
Although Oct wedding was what I was excited about and looking forward
I think I can drop the idea le
Coz is impossible
♥our day is full of surprise
12:08:00 AM
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Recently so many things happen to mi
It really give mi the feeling that god is trying to hint mi something
Hais
Told AJ abt this....but he said I too stress le
And scared I will end up having depression...
Izzit possible...?
If really can...I really hope I will get it...coz it give mi a faster way to cheer myself up
Recently aunt keep asking mi
why I nv go study in aftnoon
And the excused tht I give her was too tired
SO Lame!!!
What a lame excuse that I give...
Later in the aftnoon...
Go Orchard with my cousins
Hope the trip will cheer mi up
and bring back my motivation
Coz my motivation is not my friends
But myself....coz only I can help myself...
♥our day is full of surprise
12:34:00 AM
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Just wake up from my sleep
Hais....
Where is my motivation?
Instead of study in the aftnoon...I went to sleep
Does it trying to hint mi something?
In the morning....I really scared that my Ronney boy and aunt leave mi/get hurt
This terrify feeling came when I heard a "Bang" sound coming from the living room
The moment I went to my living room
I saw the "wing" from my ceiling fan hit the clock and fly it oven to my com's place
Eventually none of them get hurt...
Then when I get into sleep
I dreamy that I get beaten from a group of boys in the car-park and staircase...
Den when I wake up...I really can feel the pain from my stomach where the boys beaten mi
Does the god trying to hint mi somethings
that there is serious thing goingto happen to mi?
If that the case...I rather giving up all the thing
And exchange safety,family and friends back....
....................
♥our day is full of surprise
7:22:00 PM
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Long time did not blog liao
Now is Hungry Ghost festival
But I don feel scared
Eventually if I get to see one of them,I will actually will beg them to bring mi along
I just don knw why...
The accident that I have 4 yrs ago
Should have kill mi...But why I still alive?
Is it mean that God want mi to suffer for what I have done
to my friends and family
A big family that I use to have,have broke into smaller pieces
That is why I get the punishment now
Even though my aunt told mi that friends are not able to last long
But I still believe tht they are able to last long no matter what
we had done to each other
But now should I believe my aunt?
Is true that I have done wrong
But I really don expect that will turn up so serious
All I said id tru but there no one to believe mi
Up to now...what god have give mi is to
give and take
What he had given mi that can use money to but
will end up taking away from mi that money cannot buy
Like my family,friends and even relationship with the close one
I should understand this sentence when I was at the age of 6 the moment that
my mon said I am a fu da for her every time I want to go back my real home
But up still now...den I understand is too late for mi
and the next thing that god is taking from mi was
my accounting result and O level exam
Now I really don have the drive to go on
And if the 23rd come,I will be more worst if I failed my exam
Den I really don have motivation
Right now,I'm really all by myself
No more will be beside mi forever
So really there no point for mi to go on
Is it the time I should give out my upcoming exams?
I cant pretend that all these things never happen
If at first I everything keep to myself
I bet non of these will happen
If I have the third eyes that can get to see my grandparents by chances
I will beg them to bring juan juan along with them
Coz I really sick and tired of what god had take from mi
If everything was due to fate and I cant change my density myself
I will told God I really give up le
If u want to take my soul or spirit away
I will let u take by all means
♥our day is full of surprise
12:54:00 AM
Score well for all my CAT papers